How to Influence Your Child to Listen To You
Parents sometimes ask me why their children do not listen to them. They think that the only solution left is to have them go study in Canada. But a problem is a problem and sending them overseas, although it could help, might not necessarily address the issues at hand.
It is a topic I am always a bit hesitant to discuss because I do not know the condition upon which their child has been raised. Issues like the child’s relationship with their parents; their environment at home, at school and in the community in general; other siblings in the family; the type of school they attend; medical issues; and a host of other influencing factors which need to be included when trying to determine where the problem lies. And let’s not forget the parents too. Are they amiable to having an open and honest conversation about the underlying causes at play, especially if they could be part of the problem?
Based on my personal observations and experience and speaking with my family and friends on this subject, I would say that the top five factors that can influence whether a child is likely to listen to their parents are as follows:
1. Trust and Respect: When there’s a foundation of trust and respect between parents and children, it fosters open communication and increases the likelihood of children listening to their parents.
Parents should try to spend quality time with their children regularly to build a strong bond and deepen trust, but more importantly, to get to really know their child. When speaking with them, be honest and transparent and encouraging open communication. This means respecting your child’s opinions and autonomy, even when you disagree.Demonstrate reliability by keeping promises and being consistent in your actions. Show appreciation for your child’s unique qualities and strengths, boosting their self-esteem.
2. Consistent Discipline: Children are more likely to listen when rules and consequences are consistently enforced. Clear boundaries help children understand expectations and the consequences of their actions.
Establish clear and reasonable rules that align with your family values. Communicate these rules calmly and assertively, ensuring your child understands expectations. Explain the consequences of breaking the rules, AND be sure to enforce them when not followed. Punishment should not be harsh and should be accompanied by a clear explanation as to why they are being punished. Provide opportunities for your child to learn from mistakes and make amends. Offer praise and positive reinforcement when your child follows the rules and shows responsibility.
How you speak with your child when disciplining them is also very important. Be sure to stress that they are still a good person and that they are being punished for their behavior, not because of who they are. Remember the cliché “All good people do bad things, and even bad people do good things.” Be sure to focus on the behavior and not their character.
3. Positive Reinforcement: Encouraging and acknowledging good behavior reinforces listening habits. Positive reinforcement can include praise, rewards, or privileges for following instructions.
It goes without saying that if punishment results from breaking rules, then reward is the result of following them. Rewards can be as little as a compliment, a verbal acknowledgment or reinforcement that they are doing well. Do this regularly and try your best to ‘catch’ them doing something right.
Provide specific feedback and praise and celebrate milestones and successes, no matter how small. Model positive feedback yourself, demonstrating kindness, gratitude and perseverance. Of course, rewards should match the good deed, so if the goal is getting better grades the next semester, a larger reward (i.e., a three overseas trip to Canada) could be a nice incentive and reward to work harder.
4. Effective Communication: Clear and age-appropriate communication that takes into account the child’s perspective and encourages active listening. Parents who listen attentively to their children also set a positive example.
Listen actively to your child’s thoughts and feelings without judgment or interruption. Remember, they are minors, not adults. Be sure to avoid using language or examples that make it difficult for them to understand you. Use open-ended questions and show genuine interest so that you can have an open
dialogue. By validating your child’s emotions and empathizing with their experiences, you will build trust which in turn will create an environment where they feel safe to open up and share what they are experiencing/feeling. Most importantly, be patient and attentive when your child communicates with you to ensure that you fully understand what they are trying to tell you.
5. Emotional Connection: Building a strong emotional bond between parents and children creates a sense of security and belonging. Children are likelier to listen when they feel loved, understood, and valued by their parents.
Kids need love and support. Showing affection regularly through physical touch, verbal expressions of love and gestures of care will make them feel safe and loved. It will let them know you are there for them during difficult times. When children feel that you are genuinely acting in their best interest, they are likelier to listen to you even if they do not quite understand why you are asking them to behave or take a certain action. Remember that you effectively ask them to ‘trust you,’ and they will or can only do so if they believe it is also in their best interest.
Some of you will read this and think, “Well, that’s obvious,” although I would like to say, “It should be,” it is not. Parents are busy being more than just that. They must work, care for the house, run errands, deal with life as adults, and even sometimes care for their parents. It gets to be too much, and they sometimes forget to slow down, take a breath and deal with the issue at hand in a rational manner so that when an issue does pop up, they miss the opportunity to turn the ‘misdeed’ into a learning opportunity. It is not easy.
So back to my earlier comment about sending the ‘problem’ overseas for ‘repair’. I have seen amazing transformations occur in students who were not succeeding in their home country. However, upon further investigation, it seems that going overseas was not the reason for the fix, but rather the fact that the issues were dealt with upfront and the five factors mentioned herein were
adhered to.
Rene is a Canadian education consulting and student recruiter based out of Bangkok with over 20 years of experience in the S.E. Asian market. He can be reached at info@gostudycanada.net and followed at GoStudyCanada (FB & IG)
